Fallen
by Mandy C
Summary: How do you say goodbye to the one you love the most? Buffy's thoughts during "The Gift."


**Fallen**

  
_**Summary:** How do you say goodbye to the one you love the most?  
**Spoilers:** Through "The Gift"  
**Rating:** PG-13. Angst.  
**Disclaimer:** Buffy and Angel aren't mine, because if I owned Angel, his hair wouldn't suck. "Fallen" is a new song from Sarah McLachlan. I took bits and pieces.  
**Distribution:** Go for it, just drop me a note to feed my ego, hmm?  
**Notes:** I was watching "The Gift," and wondered--what was Buffy doing when she went upstairs "for a minute"? Anyway, it ended up as a little bit more than that. This is really short. This was kind of weird to write, because I don't usually view Buffy as a particularly resolved person. She seems kind of into the "what-ifs" and such. Not in this episode, man. By the end? The girl knew exactly what she had to do.  
**Feedback:** Please :) Constructive criticism is appreciated, but realize that I wrote this in fifteen minutes on a somewhat drug-induced whim. Send it here  
  
This is for you, because I never got a chance to say goodbye. _   


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"But...You're just a girl," he said. He looked confused. Afraid. Why wouldn't he be? His worst nightmares had just come true.  
  
"That's what I keep saying."  
  
My nightmares never end.  
  
_Heaven bent to take my hand   
And lead me through the fire   
Be the long awaited answer   
To a long and painful fight  
Truth be told I've tried my best   
But somewhere along the way   
I got caught up in all there was to offer   
And the cost was so much more than I could bear_  
  
I'm just a girl.  
  
I wouldn't have said that before. I'm not just a girl, I'm the Slayer, and look at all my friends, and my mother, and my Watcher. I wasn't just a girl.  
  
Now?  
  
I have nothing left. My friends have created lives for themselves that don't always include me, my mother is dead, every man I've ever loved or tried to love has left me, and now Giles tells me to kill my sister. Everything has been stripped away from me and I am so, so alone and Dawn is all I have. It isn't fair...it never was. I can't take her life away from her. She is *me*, and I want her to have the life I couldn't. To graduate from high school and college, get married, have children. She deserves it, dammit, because I say she does, and I am *owed.*  
  
And now I can see a way out. Dawn's blood...my blood. She is mine and I can replace her, I can jump into that portal and this will all be over. I'm not scared, because I know that whatever is after couldn't possibly be worse than the hell I'm living. I've spent too many years here, Slayers aren't supposed to live this long, I was supposed to die four years ago, and it would have spared me so much pain. I'm not twenty. I've lived longer than any human being should ever have to. I've killed my lover, I've cradled my mother's dead body, I've died, I've saved the world, and now I've been asked to sacrifice my sister.  
  
And I am done with all of it.  
  
I remember being sixteen, dragged kicking and screaming into death, and now death holds out its hand to me and I want so badly to be in that peaceful place.  
  
_But we carry on our backs the burden   
Time always reveals   
The lonely light of morning   
The wound that would not heal   
It's the bitter taste of losing everything I've held so dear  
Heaven bent to take my hand   
Nowhere left to turn   
I'm lost to those I thought were friends   
To everyone I know_  
  
Death is my gift, she said. I thought death was my gift to the world, killing my sister to save the world was my gift. But I don't owe the world anything, and I have nothing left to give it.  
  
Death isn't my gift to the world. Maybe death is my reward.  
  
"We're not all gonna make it," I tell Spike.  
  
He pretends to understand. "Yeah." He gathers up a few more weapons. "Hey, always knew I'd go down fighting."  
  
I think he knows what I'm going to do, I can see it in his eyes. I don't love him, but he does love me, in a twisted kind of way, and lately he can read me like no one else can. He loves me, but maybe more important--he loves Dawn. "I'm counting on you. To protect her."  
  
"Till the end of the world. Even if that happens to be tonight."  
  
"I'll be a minute." I start up the stairs.  
  
Spike starts talking. "I know you'll never love me. I know that I'm a monster. But you treat me like a man...And that's....Get your stuff. I'll be here." He'll still be here. Spike won't ever leave Dawn. At least I can trust that much.  
  
And now there's only one thing I have to do.  
  
I sit on my bed and pick up the phone, dialing the long-distance number with trembling fingers. He won't pick up--he'll be out saving the world, one soul at a time. I'm happy that he's happy. Fulfilled. Maybe I'm a little jealous, too. It doesn't matter. It will all be over soon.  
  
The answering machine picks up and suddenly I realize that I have nothing to say. I've had to say goodbye to him too many times, but I never had to say it with words. I can say it in tears and I can say it in blood, but I think I've been drained of both.  
  
Words are all I have.  
  
"Angel. It's me...it's Buffy. I have to go soon, but I wanted to tell you...I just wanted to tell you. I love you. And I guess that's all. There's more but I don't think it matters now. I love you. No matter what.  
  
"I have to go."  
  
I have to go.  
  
It's been a long trip.  
  
_I've fallen . . ._   


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